Rich And Happy As Hell

I received an email yesterday from my best friend and thought of sharing it with all the readers out there. I find the story to be quite humurous actually, so enjoy reading;

This is a letter from the Wife to the Husband

Dear Husband

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't even tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your EX-Wife

And The Husband Replies;

Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work.

I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, becauseI stopped eating pork seven years ago!

I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and fel t that we could work it out.

So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home, you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess.

I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Signed Rich As Hell and Free!

So, as a lesson to all ladies, dont judge and leave your man before you got his money..HarHar!

Oh Man!

Just a few good humuors i picked up just to ease off my stress.
Hope nobody will get offended after reading this;

Q: What do you call a man with half a brain?
A: Gifted.

Q: What is the thinnest book in the world?
A: "What Men Know About Women"

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One ... men will screw anything.

Q: How does a man take a bubble bath?
A: He eats beans for dinner.

Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: We don't know .... it's never happened.

Q: What is a man's idea of helping with the housework?
A: Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.

Q: What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
A: E.T. phoned home.

Q: What did God say after creating man?
A: I can do better.

Q: What are the two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A: 1. No mind. 2. No business.

Q: How is a man like a snowstorm?
A: Because you don't know when it's coming, how many inches you'll get, and how long it'll stay.

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.

Q: How do men sort their laundry?
A: "Filthy" and Filthy but wearable"

Q: Why do women fake orgasms?
A: Because men fake foreplay!

Q:What is the real difference between men and women?
A:A woman wants one man to satisfy all her needs. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q:Why do men like smart, sexy women?
A:Opposites attract.

Q:Why is psychoanalysis so much quicker for men than for women?
A:Men don't need to be regressed back to their childhood.

Q:Why are well-dressed men always married?
A:Because their wife chooses their clothes for them.

Q:Why are men such wankers?
A:Because they have a willy with a head but no brains that hangs out with two nuts and lives next door to an arsehole.

Q:What do beer bottles and men have in common?
A:They are both empty from the neck up.

Q:Why can women never find their way to a man's heart?
A:Because they aim too high.

Q:Why does it take three million sperm to fertilize one single egg?
A:Because they're less knowledgeable to find the right way.

Man: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"God: "So you would love her."Man:"But God, why did you make her so dumb?"God: "So she would love a wanker like you."One day God called Adam to him and said: "Adam, I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?""The good news," replied Adam."Well, the good news is I gave you a penis and a brain.""OK.." said Adam warily. "And what's the bad news?""I only gave you enough blood to operate one at time."

Sorry MAN, just a joke!

What Happens when..?

Just a few questions that suddenly popped up in my mind and i must wrote down quickly before its gone.

What happens to me
When I can no longer live

What happens to me
when I've lost the will to give
What happens to me
When I can no longer stand on my own
What happens to me
When I'm lost in this dark dark world
What happens to me
When I’m lost and can’t be found
What happens to me
When I can’t stop turning round
What happens to me
When the world has closed its doors
What happens to me
When nothing is for sure
What happens to me
When life has turned a page
What happens to me
When everything is a daze
What happens to me
When I can no longer be
What happens to me
When I no longer feel free
What happens to me
When I am all alone
What happens to me
When everything is gone
What happened to me
When I need a friendI look over and there you are smiling at me
Once again

My Simple Life

As I was waking up this morning I could suddenly understand something that I never had before. It was important, so I wrote it down immediately, while still asleep: a few brief sentences in longhand in a notebook in my dreams. Each word was perfect.

I could see them on the page and they made sense. Then they were gone.But this is how it always is. Each day plays out the same. I wake up inspired by a simple, clear, breathtakingly lucid insight that evaporates by the time my feet hit the floor. Even before I reach the kitchen the sick sense of opportunity wasted has mutated into something more profound.

I have a coffee instead, but that doesn't help. I sit back and half-heartedly attempt to count my blessings, but you know what? I can't think of any.Gone like a cool breeze. Gone like a train.So here I am again, with cold feet and a sinking heart and a head full of traffic noise, still typing busily away. Typing furiously. Typing for my life.

While underneath each passing thought the sly, unending, desperate, pornographically obsessive desire for "just one" cigarette keeps whining, mewling, yowling, pleading bitterly within me like the ghost of some starved cat.[hours pass]I should probably eat something, really. Put some music on. Water the plants. Go for a walk.

Went out, get a cheeseburger (heck with the fat), enjoy the afternoon sun shining on my face, cool breeze swiping my hair, making it stuck to my face. Just enjoying, enjoying my simple meal and walk alone. Getting home is NOT next on my list. But I do have to get home real quick before the rest of the group gets hungry...

But a quick stroll by the beach wont do any harm. Enjoy.

Happy?

Am I happy?” This question doesn’t occur to us frequently in this fast paced world, but sometimes when we are alone, when we look back upon several incidents of our life, this question may come to our mind just like a flash of lightning.

In this world where people don’t have time to stand and stare such questions are always ignored; we don’t want to answer such unimportant questions as its answer won’t change a thing. Most people in this world are unhappy, only a handful of us can claim to be truly happy.

Am I happy? When I ask myself this question, the answer comes after a short pause, and the answer is NO. I am not happy. I belong to that group of unhappy people, who are optimistic, and occasionally think that the grass on the other side of the river is greener.

BUT they can’t help to be unhappy as little things make them upset. But they try to remain happy, by involving themselves in the activities around them, by talking to people, by trying to make others happy and avoiding people whom they despise. They are people whom you meet every now and then; they might not be great achievers (and some of them might even be losers in life) but they haven’t given up hope. They are hardcore optimists and try to succeed in their respective fields, but often they fail. But they never give up. People like me only form a part of the unhappy society.

There are different types of unhappy people in this world. And behind all this unhappy faces there is only one reason- LOVE. Perhaps you would argue that beggars can’t be unhappy because of love; their unhappiness lies in the fact that they don’t have food, clothing and shelter. But if only we loved each other or at least had some respect for humanity we wouldn’t have beggars in our street begging for alms.

Even wars would not have been fought, and all the murders, robberies would have stopped and this world would have been a better place for us to live. So a lot of solutions to man’s problems would have been achieved. But reality is quite different from this, and we all know it.But what about our personal grieves, our personal sorrows?

Even to that the reason is love. Some people are unhappy because of love for their partner, some because of love for their friend, some because of love for their family, some because of their love for their ambition and some because they are in love with a person whom they can never get.

So we see behind all unhappiness there is only one reason-LOVE. This four lettered word surrounds our life, and without which we can’t live. In short it makes our world. I have got a lot of hurt because of love, not because of a boyfriend, and I am not talking of that kind of love.

I am talking of friendship. I have got hurt because of love for my friends many times. But the worst was about ten months back. And I had remained terribly upset over three months, so much so I used to cry at nights. That incident had occurred all because of me. But now everything is fine. Since that incident I have been careful not to hurt any one. I say sorry as soon as soon as I realize my mistakes.

And again there is the sorrow of not succeeding in academics which I would love to. Some people fall in love with their friends (an example), for them I would say not to spoil the magic of friendship if their friend doesn’t reciprocate their feelings. It would just increase the mutual pain. Friendship once broken can’t be fixed. So we should always nurture this beautiful relationship which always puts a smile on our face.

Some of my friends think I am a lot happier than they are, since I have a wonderful and loving family. But yes, love always creates problems so one can never be sure. Here is one piece of advice for my friends who are in love with people they can’t get - Life has much more things to offer than just girlfriend/boyfriend, there are other loves, there are other people who love you, and there is someone in this world who will love you as much as you love this person of your dreams…

As for myself, I love my family, myself and those people who loved me. The End.

Public C.R

Yesterday i took my childrens for a walk at a neighbouring mall. We went to McDonalds for a bite, then we headed to the game arcade. Then my daughter wanted to ease herself. So i accompanied her to the nearest comfort room available.

The moment i stepped my foot in, a foul smell welcomed me...ewww. I felt like vomitting right there that very second, but because my daughter urgently cant hold back her so called 'business', i had to force myself into one of the cubicles (while trying very hard to hold my breath)

At the same time i was cursing and swearing under my breath. I was gasping very hard for air. Help...After dat we hurriedly home as our moods was 'spoiled' by the unsightly and unwelcoming smell. It really turned our moods off.So i decided to make a few points on public .CR aka Comfort Room.

• They are disgusting.... Piss, *@#* , used paper and used towels everywhere.
• No one washes their hands. Eeewwwww!
• Toilets that flush automatically. You walk in and start to squat(no sitting on those nasty bitches) and the *@#* flushes. After you're done you stand up and it doesn't flush. You wave your hand in front of it and it still doesn't flush. You pretend to sit down and stand up about twenty times and it still doesn't flush. Finally, you must touch the little button in order to flush it. They place this button on the back of the toilet directly in the middle.... Impossible to flush with your foot therefore breaking rule #1 of public restrooms (don't touch anything).
• Or even sometimes a toilet that cant flush because its choked with toilet papers or other types of used papers...yucks
• Automatic sinks. These are almost as bad as automatic toilets. You put your hands under about 10 different faucets before one actually works. Then ,as you are lathering, the *@#* water stops. You wave you hand up and down in front of the sensor to no avail. So, you must search again for a faucet that works. When you find one that works, you must hold your hands just so otherwise it will cut off again.
• I do have one good thing to say about public restrooms.... Automatic paper towel dispensers. I haven't had one malfunction yet and I don't have to touch anything. Hell yeah!

So, my conclusion and advise would be, remove all excess baggage and fluid BEFORE leaving home. Never, i said never, trust any public CR, unless you're in an urgent state!!

Pay Raise

Last Wednesday i got a call from my friend asking me to help write a letter to his boss asking for a pay raise. well, i said that im not good at writing, be it a letter or anything else...but he pleaded to help him this once..ah what the heck. I hope i wrote everything needed for a pay raise and not miss anything;


To The Management
Deep Hole Construction

Attention: Mr Tom and Mr Harry

Dear Sirs,

I, Dick, of ID no. 7.5-8, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

1. I do physical labor.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge head first into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5. I work in a damp environment.
6. I don't get paid overtime.
7. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
8. I work in high temperatures, and my work exposes me to contagious diseases.

I hope the management would accept my above reasons with serious consideration.

Yours sicerely


Dick P


Two days later, he got a reply from his bosses,

Dear Dick,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

1. You cannot work 8 hours straight.
2. You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods.
3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
4. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
5. You do not take initiative..you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift..
7. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
8. You will retire well before you are 65.
9. You are unable to work double shifts.
10. You sometimes leave your designated work before you have completed the assigned task.
11. You often enter your workplace at the wrong entrance..(shd i remind u that you're in block A and not block B)
12. And if that were not enough, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,The Management

Well, i told him so that i' m not good in writing and there goes his pay raise. Sorry Dick